I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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