he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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