Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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