it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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