you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
