Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
