Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Dicks are not precious.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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