You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
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I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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