you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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