he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
