After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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