My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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