moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
