Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
