come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
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All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
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There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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