How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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