Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
