That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
