Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
