hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
