The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
