he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
