If i come over, it means nothing
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Randomize
