it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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