Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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