And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
