I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
