she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
