my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
