the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
