my shit smells like andre
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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