I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
