why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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