K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
