It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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