I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?