absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
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are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
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He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.