Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here