Already got asked if we're dating
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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