my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
