We need to rekindle our bromance
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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