the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
