Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
someone owes me an orgasm
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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