Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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