based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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