i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
