Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Duck Duck Cougar?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
