the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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