My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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