You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
