Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
