i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
