I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
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