I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
