Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I will be naked everywhere
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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