just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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