I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Every concussion has its silver lining
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
