i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
