Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Randomize
