true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
