So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
