I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
